Viz

To understand what makes British people laugh, and probably explain some of the previous blogs, I have included various highlights from the magazine.

Its not politically correct, it is sometimes scathing, but very very funny.

Viz

'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

Tim

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last
edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'.
I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.

A Thorne, Sandbach

IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?

Magnus, Sheffield

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

Mrs Close, Headingley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it
just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
poor sods?

John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw@t quickly enough the last
time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie, Email

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the
pan?

Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great shag. Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond


Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
faster cars.

T Barnham, London

" Imagine my suprise when I saw a kangaroo in my back garen last week, until I realised it was just a greyhound taking a shit "

Anon

One day when my wife and I had to run out to the shop for 5 mins,We left our 4 year old unattended with a jigsaw to keep him amused.
Imagine my surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers.

Anon

You often hear that "blood is thicker than water". Well I've got both of them coming out of my arse at the moment, and to be perfectly honest I can't feel any difference.

Ron Lilycropp

"When a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nuthin' else" crooned Percy Sledge during the summer of 1966. I would have to disagree, as during sexual intercourse with my wife I routinely think about our next door neighbour Brenda and her border collie.

David Thompson

I'm fed up with finding my e-mail inbox stuffed full of adverts for penis enlarging pills. In the interests of sexual equality, isn't it about time that they started bombarding women's computers with adverts for fanny tightening tablets?

Neil, Scotland

I'm 86 and the other day a youth on the bus refused to give up his seat for me, and I had to stand for the whole journey. What a fool I felt when I realised that it was my own fault as, 60 years ago, I joined up and fought Hitler for that young man's right to sit wherever he wanted on the bus. If I'd have known then how my selfless bravery in the North Africa campaign would come to backfire on me, I would have fought for the Nazis.

Albert Sparks, Englefield

Midgets do go on, don't they? But for all their whingeing, they conveniently ignore the fact that they are able to fly abroad in cheap economy seats, in which they enjoy all the legroom benefits a normal sized person has to buy a first class ticket to experience. As someone who flies often, the whole situation disgusts me.

C Lindberg, USA

Its all very well newsreaders reminding us that our clocks have to go back, but I've got five clocks in my house and I can't remember where I bought them

Jason Simmons, Email

Top Tips

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Olympic athletes: Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.

Placing your penis in the bottom of your girlfriends popcorn box will give her a real shock at the cinema. Especially if you're at home watching football at the time.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
during a powercut.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Peace